5 Co-Parenting Mistakes That Hurt Your Kids
These common mistakes seem harmless—but they damage your relationship with your children. Here's what to do instead.
David Chen
Relationships Editor
67%
of divorced parents
make these mistakes
85%
reduction in conflict
with proper tools
1.5M
kids affected
annually in the US
You love your kids. You'd never intentionally hurt them. But co-parenting after divorce is a minefield, and some of the most damaging mistakes feel completely normal in the moment.
After talking with hundreds of Dads and family therapists, we've identified the five most common communication mistakes—and the surprisingly simple fixes that protect your kids while actually making co-parenting easier.
Using Your Kids as Messengers
The Mistake
"Tell your mom I need the soccer cleats" or "Ask your Dad when he's picking you up." It seems harmless, but it puts your child in an adult role they're not equipped for.
Why It Hurts
Kids feel caught in the middle, develop anxiety about transitions, and may start withholding information from both parents to avoid conflict.
The Fix
Communicate directly with your co-parent via text, email, or a co-parenting app. Keep kids out of logistics entirely.
Venting About Your Ex in Front of the Kids
The Mistake
"Your mother is always late" or "I can't believe your Dad did that again." Even if true, your children don't need to hear it.
Why It Hurts
Children feel they need to choose sides, experience loyalty conflicts, and may internalize negative feelings about themselves (since they're "half" of each parent).
The Fix
Vent to a therapist, friend, or journal—never to your children. When frustrated, simply say "I'll handle it with your mom/Dad."
Interrogating Kids After Visits
The Mistake
"What did you eat? Who was there? Did Dad have anyone over?" It feels like staying informed, but your child feels like a spy.
Why It Hurts
Kids learn to be guarded, may lie to protect a parent, and transitions become stressful rather than smooth.
The Fix
Ask open-ended questions like "What was the best part of your weekend?" without probing for intel about the other household.
Making Promises You Can't Keep
The Mistake
"We'll definitely go to Disney next month" or "I'll get you that new game." Overcompensating for guilt with promises you can't fulfill.
Why It Hurts
Broken promises erode trust. Kids stop believing what you say, and the disappointment compounds existing divorce-related hurt.
The Fix
Underpromise and overdeliver. Only commit to what you can 100% guarantee. "Maybe" is better than a broken "definitely."
Competing for Your Child's Affection
The Mistake
Buying expensive gifts, relaxing rules, or always being the "fun parent" to win favor over your co-parent.
Why It Hurts
Kids learn to manipulate both parents, lose respect for boundaries, and miss out on consistent parenting that builds character.
The Fix
Focus on being present, not impressive. Quality time and genuine connection matter more than gifts or entertainment.
Healthy Co-Parenting Habits to Build
- Use a co-parenting app like OurFamilyWizard or Talking Parents for logistics
- Keep a 24-hour rule: wait before responding to frustrating messages
- Focus on what you CAN control—your home, your time, your relationship with your kids
- Build your own traditions rather than competing with your ex's household
- Remember: your kids need permission to love both parents
How Are You Really Doing?
Take this 2-minute assessment to honestly evaluate your co-parenting communication and get personalized tips to protect your kids.
How often do you ask your kids to deliver messages to your co-parent?
Turn Insights Into Action
Your quiz results revealed areas to improve. This 30-day challenge gives you daily micro-actions to build lasting habits that protect your kids.
30-Day Co-Parenting Challenge
Daily micro-improvements for lasting change
Daily Reminders
Get browser notifications for your daily challenges
💡 Pro tip: Dads who enable reminders are 3x more likely to complete the challenge
Direct Communication
The Clean Handoff
Today's Challenge
Today, communicate ONE logistical item directly to your co-parent (not through your kids)
Micro-Action (5 minutes or less)
Text about pickup time directly
Accelerate Your Progress
Affirming Dads App provides AI-powered communication suggestions that prevent conflicts before they start. Perfect companion to this challenge.
Still Using Texts to Communicate With Your Ex?
Every untracked message is evidence she can twist against you. Affirming Dads App creates court-ready documentation of every exchange, every conversation, every promise broken.
The Bottom Line
Co-parenting isn't about having a perfect relationship with your ex. It's about creating an environment where your kids can love both parents without guilt or stress.
The good news? You don't need your co-parent's cooperation to make these changes. You can start today, with your next interaction. Your kids will notice.
Stop the Conflict Before It Starts
Affirming Dads App helps you communicate better with AI-powered suggestions and court-ready documentation.
Try Affirming Dads FreeTrusted by 37,000+ Dads
🛑 You Just Learned 5 Mistakes. Now Ask Yourself This:
Will You Remember Any of This at 10PM
When She Texts Something Designed to Trigger You?
You won't. Because your amygdala will hijack your prefrontal cortex, and you'll fire back something you'll regret in court.
67% of divorced parents make these mistakes repeatedly. Not because they don't know better. Because they don't have a system.
The dads who break the cycle keep a checklist by their phone. Open → Find script → Respond in 30 seconds. No thinking. No regrets.
It's 3am and you're awake again
replaying that fumbled conversation with your daughter about the divorce.
Tomorrow's evaluation? You're going to wing it... and the evaluator's going to write "unprepared Father."
That costs you 78 days every year.
Templates + Documentation System + 147-Point Checklist
"I used to react. Now I respond. I keep my checklist by my phone, and when she texts something designed to trigger me, I follow the script. My 9-year-old said, 'Dad, you seem calmer when you drop us off now.' That's worth more than any custody win." — Kevin, Portland